Celebrate Saint Patrick's Day with St. Patrick's Day Jokes

Letter to her son in New York
'Dear Paddy, 

Your father has a new job, with 2,000 people under him. He's a gardener at the local cemetery. 
Since I last wrote I have had all my teeth out and a new cooker put in. 
I was going to send you a turkey but it got better. 
I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said I'd have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut the buttons off. You'll find them in the top pocket. 
We've had a threatening letter from the undertaker. Unless we pay the outstanding money for your grandma's funeral by Wednesday - up she comes. 
I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I'd already sealed the envelope. 
A team of council workers were drilling nearby and accidentally cut through the drains to the house. Since then there's been a terrible smell from your loving mother, Nancy.' 


McCarthy walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave. 
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McCarthy had done. "What was that all about?" 
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." 

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? 
A: Regular rocks are too heavy. 
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? 
A: Because they're always a little short. 

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold? 
A: They like to "go" first class! 

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? 
A: He's Dublin over with laughter! 

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? 
A: Patty O'furniture! 

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? 
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms! 

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day? 
A:St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish? 
A:Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? 
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? 
A:To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries? 
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? 
A:He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue? 
A:Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with? 
A:Because they're very short-tempered!

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?" 
"No, O'Reilly!"

Knock, knock! 
Who's there? 
Don. 
Don who? 
Don be puffin' down the Irish now! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the occasion of Saint Patrick's Day send these inspirational Irish blessings to your friends/ family/ loved ones and wish them a very Happy Saint Patrick's Day through our online collection of greeting cards.